How to help homosexuals find freedom from sin
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| Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglican Church http://www.stjohnsashfield.org.au, Ashfield, New South Wales. Illustrates Jesus' description of himself "I am the Good Shepherd" (from the Gospel of John, chapter 10, verse 11). This version of the image shows the detail of his face. The memorial window is also captioned: "To the Glory of God and in Loving Memory of William Wright. Died 6th November, 1932. Aged 70 Yrs." (Photo credit: Wikipedia) |
Face the truth that homosexual behavior is a sin, forbidden by God.
“Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.” (Romans 1:26–27)
Realize that you have a Redeemer, Jesus Christ, who sets you free from sin.
“The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed.” (Luke 4:18)
Eliminate the belief that your willpower can set you free.
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)
Exchange your lack of control for Christ’s control by yielding your body to Christ.
“In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.” (Romans 6:11–14)
Depend on God to meet all your emotional needs.
“My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)
Open the door to healthy relationships, and close the door on homosexual relationships.
“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’ Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning.” (1 Corinthians 15:33–34)
Maintain an eternal perspective and a focus on godly priorities.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” (Hebrews 12:1)
G. Formula for Freedom
All addictions have one thing in common: a magnetic attraction to do what you shouldn’t, even when you’ve told yourself you mustn’t!
The stronger your focus is on the negative—I must not think about Chris, I must not call Chris, I must not be with Chris—the stronger your desire to do it! In other words, know that …
“The power of sin is the law.”
(1 Corinthians 15:56)
The way to begin changing your behavior is to “accentuate the positive.”
• Focus on God’s love for you.
— Recognize the Lord’s everlasting love for you. He said,
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” (Jeremiah 31:3)
— Respect how wonderfully God has made you. Although David had sinned sexually and sinned greatly, he said,
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14)
— Respond to God’s call on your life.
“God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.” (1 Thessalonians 4:7)
• Own your negative emotions.
— Allow yourself to feel your old emotions.
— Recognize which emotions are connected to past pain.
— Choose to reject the control your emotions have had over you.
— Pray for God to break the bondage to your childhood emotions.
“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13)
• Refuse to act on your emotions.
— Refuse to be drawn in and obsessed when irrational emotions surface.
— Tell yourself “truth” when negative emotions push you toward inappropriate behavior.
— Put the truth into your heart by memorizing Scriptures such as Proverbs 29:11; Ecclesiastes 7:9; James 1:19–20; Psalm 4:4; Philippians 4:19; Romans 6:11.
“I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” (Psalm 119:11)
• Make forgiveness your priority.
— Confirm the emotional pain you’ve experienced.
— Confess your anger and unforgiveness as sin.
— Choose to forgive those who hurt you in the past, even if you don’t feel like it.
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37)
• Understand your triggers to sexual temptation.
— Identify what makes you vulnerable to sexual desire.
— Take responsibility for your own past failures.
— Avoid anything that stimulates sexual temptations (erotic books, movies, videos, magazines, people, places, circumstances, thoughts).
“Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.” (James 1:14)
• Embrace your true identity.
— See yourself as a dearly loved “child of God.”
— Accept yourself and the gender God made you.
— Choose to be the person God created you to be.
— Learn your own likes and dislikes.
— Refuse to do that which makes you uncomfortable.
— Concentrate on pleasing only God.
— Hide God’s truth in your heart by memorizing 1 John 3:1; Romans 6:4; Isaiah 43:1; Ezekiel 36:26–27; Philippians 1:6.
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)
H. How to Establish Your True Identity
Deep in their hearts, most people know that any sexual deviation from God’s standard is wrong. Yet if you are that person experiencing the pain of sexual confusion, guilt and shame, you want relief! Taking on a new homosexual “identity” may bring temporary relief if your sexual deviation becomes “who you are” instead of what you do. It gives you an out by allowing you to say, “I didn’t ask for it, but this is who I am.” After all, who can fault people for being who they are and for doing what characterizes who they are? It would be like faulting a cow for chewing its cud and mooing. Additionally, finding a counterfeit group with whom you can temporarily relate helps cover part of the emotional pain. But it camouflages truth with deception, and ultimately offers destruction. God in His goodness conveys truth and offers spiritual restoration, giving you a new identity in Himself and working in you to produce behavior natural to that identity.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”
(2 Corinthians 5:17)
• Renounce your false identity as a homosexual, and affirm your true identity as a child of God and a cherished possession of Jesus Christ.
• Choose to be who you are in Christ, and fight to be that person through praying, quoting Scripture, daily announcing who you are in Christ and putting on the armor of God.
• Refuse to identify with sin or addiction, and reject sinful thoughts by renouncing them and replacing them with prayer and praise to God.
• Pray against ungodly responses, and stay away from people and places that would draw you back into your false identity and former lifestyle.
• Journal daily in order to reinforce your identity as a child of God and to identify and deal with buried painful emotions.
• Establish firm boundaries between yourself and other people, and refuse to merge with them emotionally or otherwise.
• Speak up when people hurt or offend you, and do not give in to attempts by others to manipulate you through shame, guilt or anger.
• Choose to accept your body with all its unchangeable qualities and characteristics given to you by God.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
(Psalm 139:14)
I. Common Questions about Homosexuality
Q “I really love my homosexual partner. How can I hurt someone I love so much by leaving the relationship?”
Selfless love always seeks the highest good for the one who is loved. If you really love someone, how can you bring God’s condemnation upon that person?
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” (Proverbs 27:6)
Q “My husband says he loves his family, but he still plans to leave us. Is his reasoning sound? He says he must be true to his homosexual inclinations.”
No. He needs to be true to his marital covenant. Desires that are forbidden by God are never to be followed; Eve should not have followed her desire to eat the forbidden fruit. One of Satan’s chief tactics is to deceive us by persuading us that our desires are never to be denied, but should always be satisfied. Nothing could be further from the truth. Desires contrary to God’s design must be perceived as enticements to sin and must be rejected. Our desires do not define who we are. God has defined who we are. We all experience inclinations and desires contrary to God’s will; however, we are called to be on guard and not to give in. Your husband is not to break faith with you, but rather is to keep his covenant vow to you.
“Guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” (Malachi 2:15)
Q “After marriage and children, I realized I was gay. I can’t give up my male sexual partner. A homosexual man is who I am.”
Your thinking is wrong. You are a married man who, according to God’s Word, is a “homosexual offender” rather than a “homosexual man.” You made marriage vows to a woman—pledging to be her lifetime partner—in an exclusive heterosexual union. Whether your temptation is to have sex outside of marriage with a woman or another man is irrelevant. The issue is not homosexuality or heterosexuality, but integrity. The core issue is your personal covenant to be a man of integrity. Through Christ you can give up any sin and walk away from any sinful relationship. Be faithful to your commitment—keep your marriage covenant—and align your thinking with God’s thinking.
“The LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.” (Malachi 2:14)
Q “Our son wants to bring his homosexual partner to our home for the weekend, but he won’t come unless they can share the same bed. We love our son and want him to visit us, but we feel hurt over his homosexual lifestyle. Should we compromise our Christian commitment in order to show we still love him?”
You are right to have “house rules” that honor God and line up with His rules. As God’s “ambassadors” and as responsible parents, you are called to obey God’s Word and to line up your decisions with His decisions. Your first priority must be to please God, not your son. You could say to him something like this:
“Son, you know we both love you dearly, so our love is not in question here. The truth is that we love you too much to participate with you in something we consider to be harmful to you. You know we consider our home to be God’s property, and our house rules do not allow anything displeasing to Him. We want to be with you. It would break our hearts not to spend time with you. We hope you want to see us too and that you will decide to come by yourself for a few days. Or, if you would like, your friend can stay in the guest bedroom, and we will extend to him every courtesy. Son, please know that we will never reject you.”
“We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts.” (1 Thessalonians 2:4)
Q “Our daughter says that unless we accept her homosexuality, we don’t accept her and don’t love her. We do love our daughter, but we cannot condone her homosexual activity. Must we accept her lifestyle in order to prove we love her?”
No. Your daughter has bought into the lie that being homosexual is her identity—she believes the word homosexual defines who she is—rather than describes something she does. Therefore, she has wrongfully concluded that if you reject her homosexuality, then you reject her. If you make your decision based on the lie she is believing, you would be unwittingly validating that lie. If your daughter told you she was a dog because she could bark like a dog and that you didn’t love her unless you let her sleep in your doghouse, you wouldn’t buy into her inaccurate reasoning. Instead, you would talk with her about her erroneous conclusion and present information to support your position. You could say something like this, “Honey, the truth is I do love you and want a relationship with you. The truth is also that you are engaging in behavior forbidden by God that I cannot support. These two truths are not contradictory.”
You are faced with the same dilemma God has with the entire human race. He loves us, but He cannot accept our sinfulness—thus, the need for the cross. Jesus came to show us our sin and to show us His love. That is now your challenge with your daughter. Love her on God’s terms, not her terms. Speak the truth to her in love and do not compromise the values that could lead to her healing. Remember, it is truth—not love—that will set her free, but it is love that will open the door to truth.
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36)
Q “I was violated as a child and later became a lesbian. Now how can I stop other females from trying to pick me up?”
Once boundaries have been crossed in childhood, it’s typically difficult to establish proper boundaries in adulthood. Realize that God made you female, and that is good. If you do not want to be identified as a homosexual, you will need to evaluate such issues as your clothing, the way you carry yourself and your body language. The key is learning to be feminine without sexualizing your relationships. Select someone you would want to emulate and elicit that person’s help in changing your appearance. Beginning now, practice saying, “I am uncomfortable with your actions, and I am not going to be picked up by anyone.”
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” (Matthew 18:15)
Q “I want to give up my lesbian lifestyle, yet my girlfriend won’t leave me alone. I still have feelings for her, and she is making it very difficult for me to stay true to my Christian convictions.”
If you sincerely love her, you will seek her highest good. According to the Bible, homosexuality is not God’s best for her. Her highest good is that she stay away from anything that would bring God’s disfavor on her. The same truth applies to you. If she truly loves you, she will not pressure you to do something that violates your conscience and leaves you guilt-ridden. Tell her you are not rejecting her, but are rather rejecting homosexuality. Let her know that you care about her too much to continue involving her in what is not right and what will bring disaster to both of you. True sacrificial love will be blessed by the Lord.
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.” (1 John 3:16)
Q “Why should I be concerned about legalizing gay marriage since it won’t affect me or my family? Why not let them have their homosexual marriages and we will have our heterosexual marriages?”
The reason for concern is the imminent impact of gay marriages in three arenas: family, spiritual and personal.
THE FAMILY ARENA
• Because a man and a woman are different and distinct from one another, they complement and complete each other physically, emotionally and spiritually.
• One of the purposes for marriage is to produce children. Only a husband-wife marriage provides a “natural” way to produce children—the uniting of a man’s sperm and a woman’s egg within her womb.
• The male/female marriage was designed by God to produce and rear children in the ways of the Lord. A same-sex relationship leads to confusion for the children, for it does not give a proper example, nor does it prepare them for their future mate and family.
CONCLUSION:
A marriage relationship between two people of the same sex cannot be blessed by God—it is physically impossible for homosexuals to become “one” physically in order to produce children because their physical anatomy makes such marvelous oneness utterly impossible!
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother.’ ” (Ephesians 6:1–2)
THE SPIRITUAL ARENA
• The Bible describes marriage only as a union between one man and one woman, not just a commitment or a contract or a sexual relationship between any two consenting adults.
• The Bible describes Jesus as a bridegroom and Christians (the church) as His bride; therefore, the marriage relationship between a man and a woman represents our relationship with Jesus.
• God designed the husband (man) to be the loving leader of the wife (woman), as Jesus is the head of the church. A same-sex relationship cannot show this headship pattern.
“I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him.” (2 Corinthians 11:2)
• The marriage relationship between two persons of the opposite sex is a picture to the world of the coming together and the union of two opposites—God and His people, the Creator and His creation.
CONCLUSION:
A marriage relationship between two people of the same sex cannot be blessed by God. It is physically impossible for homosexuals to represent the dichotomy (the two different parts that make a whole) within the spiritual relationship that Jesus has with every believer—the bridegroom and the bride. (Read Ephesians 5:22–33.)
“The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ … Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.” (Genesis 2:18, 22)
THE PERSONAL ARENA
• God has declared that homosexual activity is a sin. Legalizing sinful behavior does not make it less sinful and does not lessen the consequences of that sin.
• God defines marriage as a relationship reserved only for one man and one woman. To go against God’s design can only cause confusion and lead further away from His perfect plan for our lives.
• The person trapped in the homosexual lifestyle does not need a license to descend into deeper bondage through a same-sex marriage. Rather, this person needs earnest prayer and practical help to become free.
• Those who decide to stop living as homosexual couples do not need another hurdle—the hurdle of obtaining a divorce—when they decide to walk in the freedom Christ offers.
CONCLUSION:
The marriage relationship between two people of the same sex cannot be blessed by God merely “in the name of freedom.” When marriage is redefined in the name of freedom, who is to say that marriage must be limited to two people rather than to three or more? Or why not broaden marriage to include polygamy and marriage to immediate family members? Or why not marriage to an animal or marriage to a child? The truth is: We are never free to redefine marriage when it conflicts with God’s holy standard. To redefine marriage against God’s standard hurts the individual and can lead them further into the bondage of sin.
“Jesus said, ‘If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’ ” (John 8:31–32)
Therefore, here are some of the reasons you should be concerned about same-sex marriages:
• They are in direct opposition to God’s established guidelines for how we are to live our lives.
• They are diametrically opposed to what God says constitutes marriage and the family.
• They are a trap to further ensnare men and women into a sinful lifestyle.
• They are a vice, making it harder for gays and lesbians to leave the lifestyle.
• They are a counterfeit, distorting the plain truths of God and promising fulfillment that will never come.
• They are a means for the “father of lies” to deceive people.
Don’t fall into the enemy’s trap or be deceived by his counterfeit logic. Take God at His Word and live according to His way.
“The man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.” (James 1:25)
J. How to Help a Homosexual
Why do we extend a helping hand to the alcoholic or to the prisoner, yet shun the homosexual? Is there some inner fear or personal inadequacy that condemns and judges this particular sin more than others? God hates all sin, yet He still loves the sinner. The Christian who has the compassion of Christ will extend compassion to homosexuals without condoning their lifestyle. Be available for God to use you in the life of a homosexual as the link to His love and power for victory.
“Love your neighbor as yourself.”
(Luke 10:27)
• Harbor no judgmental attitude toward a homosexual.
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.” (Matthew 7:1)
• Hear what is being communicated without interruption.
“[There is] a time to be silent and a time to speak.” (Ecclesiastes 3:7)
• Have unconditional love and acceptance for this special creation of God.
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” (Romans 15:7)
• Head the person toward intimacy with God.
“Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33)
• Help the person to see that their true identity is in Jesus Christ.
“To all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” (John 1:12)
• Hand the person specific Scriptures to memorize.
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)
• Hedge the person with the protection of God through prayer. (Satan knew that God had put a “hedge” around Job.)
“Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land.” (Job 1:10)
• Hold the person, not yourself, responsible for change.
“Each of us will give an account of himself to God.” (Romans 14:12)
HELPFUL HINTS FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS
No matter how confused or adamant your homosexual loved ones may be, or how inadequate you feel when trying to help them, continue to reach out to them. God will not let your efforts go unrewarded.
“If one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.”
(James 5:19–20)
Handle difficult, painful conversations calmly and avoid overreacting.
• Create an atmosphere where your loved ones feel the freedom to be completely open with you.
• Don’t communicate condemning attitudes or personal embarrassment.
• Don’t take action that would cause alienation, but rather offer hope and encouragement.
• Communicate your love both verbally and physically, and know that a warm embrace communicates a heart of love, not license to sin.
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17)
Empathize with their pain and take seriously their struggle.
• Realize they have been tormented by conflicted feelings that have led them to wrong conclusions and wrong interactions.
• Listen to them, realizing that they may believe their homosexual orientation is unchangeable, and suggest a joint effort to become educated on the subject.
• Resist the notion that you have been betrayed by them, but instead respect them by extending genuine sympathy and compassion for their feelings.
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)
Let them know in tangible ways that you accept them.
• Understand that they did not ask for their homosexual feelings and only when they give in to them in thought or action do they sin.
• Give unconditional love and acceptance to help them overcome their fear of rejection—especially if they want to share what they may have never told anyone before.
• Do not focus on their sin but focus on their need to be understood, to feel accepted and to have healthy same-sex relationships.
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” (Romans 15:7)
Present their need to reject their identity as being “homosexual.”
• You may say, “Reject the lie that you are a homosexual—that homosexuality defines your identity. Let’s work on this together.”
• Lovingly and gently convey the truth that although the word homosexual describes how they have felt, in actuality it describes not who they are, but how they have related.
• Acknowledge that, while we tend to label people by their habitual behavior, their God-given nature is not the nature of a homosexual. There is a huge difference between temptation and behavior—between struggling and sinning.
“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:4–5)
Freely identify with them by becoming transparent and vulnerable.
• Confide to them some of your own personal weaknesses and struggles, revealing your own human frailties.
• Demonstrate that you care and can feel with them by being vulnerable about your own hurts and by having a dialogue with them, rather than delivering a monologue at them.
• Identify with their pain as you relate to them about your own pain, and ask open ended questions such as, “How long have you been struggling?”
“Mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15)
Uphold their dignity by relating to them as persons.
• Remind yourself that your loved ones have not turned into strangers that you don’t know, but are the same persons you have always loved.
• Look at them through God’s eyes of love, and view them as valuable people who need love, truth and compassion.
• Reject the idea that your loved ones have suddenly become perverted, but know that they are people who are believing a lie, people who are being driven by childhood woundedness and misdirected emotions.
“There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24)
Look to Jesus and rely on Him and on His victory over evil.
• Realize that there are powerful spiritual forces working to destroy your loved ones, and commit to learning biblically rational and compassionate responses to gay arguments that condone homosexuality.
• Pray with other family members or friends that the Lord’s truth, love and redemption will flow through you to your loved ones.
• Expect your patience and love to be tested by your loved one’s frustration and anger as well as by the lies that come from the homosexual community.
“Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” (Ephesians 6:12)
“I gave God all the refuse of my life—all the anger, hatred, murder, slander, lesbianism, bitterness, resentment, judgment—whatever—and He took it and turned it into rich fertilizer for others’ lives. You see, in God’s wise economy, there is never a wasted time in our lives. God will work it all together for good. As one of our dear sisters said recently, ‘God showed me He will turn my incest into incense.’ Hallelujah for such a God!”
—Joanne Highley
Let’s assume that at one time you had been a criminal, but later your heart changed and you became a law-abiding citizen. Yet now a prosecutor puts you on trial for being a hardened criminal, asserts that you can never change and seeks to lock you away for life. Later in the trial your legal advocate proves through DNA that the current accusation against you is false. Ultimately, the judge declares the charge against you as “a case of mistaken identity”—and you are finally set free!
If at one time you engaged in homosexuality, but later yielded your life to Christ, you need to know the truth: You are not a hardened homosexual. You may have had an accuser saying, “You can never change.” In light of the testimony against you, you may have bought into that lie. But just as DNA never lies, the Bible never lies … and the Bible states that many homosexuals have changed (1 Corinthians 6:11). In fact, your Advocate summons a parade of witnesses who were once homosexuals—but now they are not. And in his closing statement, he declares that you were once a homosexual, but now you are not! Finally, your righteous Judge declares the charges against you “a case of mistaken identity”—and you are gloriously set free! Now live in the light of your new identity and walk in the light of your newfound freedom.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
(Galatians 5:1)
Hunt, J. (2008). Biblical Counseling Keys on Homosexuality: A Case of Mistaken Identity (38–50). Dallas, TX: Hope For The Heart.
