Healing for gays Part II
| Sexual Sin & Bondage: What Does It Look Like To Be Healed? Part 2 |  |  |  |
| Written by Dr. David Kyle Foster |
So, What Does it Look Like to Be Healed? For someone who has been in the healing process a while, there comes a day when they ask themselves, "Am I healed yet?" or "How will I know when I'm healed?" In that moment, it is helpful to understand some of the earmarks of what being healed looks like so that one can take comfort in seeing the progress that God has wrought in them. These criteria are not meant to imply that there is a state at which the capacity to be tempted by a sin no longer dwells in us. (That state will only be brought about when God fixes believers in a state of perfection after the second coming of Christ). Although there is testimony from a few rare saints that they have achieved such victory over particular sins, the more common picture is one where impulses to sin remain (to one degree or another), but are kept in check by the means God has designed. Although I have tailored the following evidence of being healed to the issue of homosexual confusion, for the most part these criteria can serve as guidelines for anyone's path in overcoming sin. I. You effectively keep perfectionistic tendencies in check. Many people refuse to try something that they cannot perfectly perform. Since the path toward holiness is riddled with periodic failure, they refuse to give it an honest shot. They have performing tied up in their minds with being loved and accepted by God. A healed person has learned that God's love and acceptance is based on Christ's work on their behalf, not their flawless performance. They have learned that God's love and acceptance can never be earned and can never be repaid - it can only be humbly received as a free, unmerited gift. God's call to be holy as He is holy is not based on some unreasonable expectation in Him that if we try hard enough, we will somehow perfectly achieve holiness. He doesn't expect instant flawless perfection from fallen human beings anymore than He expects a child whom he has called to become a tennis pro to be instantly and flawlessly perfect at tennis. He understands the learning process. In Christ He also learned obedience from what He suffered (Heb 5:8) and grew in wisdom, stature and favor with God and men (Lk 2:52). God's pleasure is not focused on our achieving the goal. His pleasure is focused on our love-inspired desire to cooperate with Him in moving toward the goal. He gains His joy in the relationship of the moment, not in some prospect of the future. A healed person has come to understand this and is committed to putting perfectionistic tendencies to death when they attempt to re-assert themselves. II. When temptations come - you consistently and quickly put them away. Notice I didn't say "if". I said "when". You will always have memories of past pleasures and old mental videotapes of events that have brought great excitement and thrills in the past, no matter what the sin once was. The difference in a "healed" person is that they have had such a change of heart and have acquired such a level of discipline, that such temptations are consistently rejected upon arrival. They don't give them any time. They don't give them any consideration. In their mind and heart, that sin is no longer an option. III. When temptations come - you effectively and efficiently turn the battle over to God on a consistent basis. A healed person has learned how to let God fight their battles for them. Long past are the self-righteous attempts to prove oneself holy and above sin. Dead and buried is the idea that we become self-contained, self-made entities of holiness. This person has learned that the only power over sin that is available comes from the throne of God and must be sought immediately and relied upon completely when being tempted. They understand that without Christ, they can do nothing. They have come to terms with being dependent on God to keep them from falling and are committed to allowing Him to do so. IV. The tyranny of thoughts and feelings has been conquered with only minor skirmishes remaining. A "healed" person has learned that thoughts and feelings lie to us on a continual basis - that they are usually unreliable sources of truth - and with only minor and infrequent exceptions, (that happen to everyone during times of stress and defeat), do not allow them to dictate reality anymore. For example, one day as I spoke before a group of people, a lady abruptly stood up and marched out of the room. I thought to myself, "What did I say to offend that poor lady?" And since I was speaking on child sexual abuse, it occurred to me that I may have said something insensitive, causing her to remember her own abuse and want to run from the room. In fact, I thought, it is possible that what I said has sent her into a panic attack or self-loathing or something desperate and she has now gone to commit suicide. Not being able to recall what I said that was so insensitive, I remember thinking to myself, "David, you are so insensitive, you don't even know what you said and now she's going to kill herself. What are you doing presuming to teach people? You need to face reality and get out of the ministry and get a job that you are qualified to do where you won't be a danger to people!" I really let myself have it - all within 30 seconds of the lady's departure. Five minutes later, she returned to her seat. She had been to the bathroom. What had happened? My thoughts and my feelings lied to me and I did not even think to challenge what they were saying. I unthinkingly assumed that what I was thinking and feeling was accurate and within 30 seconds had talked myself out of God's call on my life. A healed person has come to grips with the autonomic tyranny of thoughts, feelings and emotions. They have learned how to assess and discern the true ones from the false. They have settled on God's Word as their only infallible source of truth and refused to allow thoughts and feelings to be their god anymore. When lying thoughts and emotions from the old life try to take control again, the healed person meets them head-on with the Word of God. V. You wisely and habitually guard your heart and mind against whatever has power to resuscitate the old nature. Immature and unhealed people play games with God. They try to keep one foot in the world and one foot in the kingdom. They engage in very cleverly devised games of self-deception, whereby they convince themselves that they must give in to one sin or another, or that considering their lot in life or their past brokenness, they deserve to be able to give in every once in a while. They convince themselves that a life of obedience and holiness is only for priests, nuns and saints, but not for the average guy. They convince themselves that considering how far they have come and how much they have given up, God understands and approves of their dalliances with sin. They "supermarket shop" for holiness -i.e., they retain the lordship of their life by telling God where He can make them holy and where He must leave them alone. As though they were shopping in a grocery store, they pick and choose what seems most attractive to them in the kingdom and reject what seems unattractive, thus keeping certain areas of their life "off-limits" to the Spirit of God. Healed people have forsaken all such games, to the extent that God has brought them to their awareness. The rest of life is an ongoing discovery of the darker and more cleverly hidden parts of our fallen nature. The healed person is set on facing those moments of truth and allows God to tell them what to do and what not to do. In the process of identifying those elements of the sinful life that are fuel to further sin, they take very seriously the need to eradicate such things from their life. Anything that may bring to life the desire for a sin is ruthlessly removed from their environment to the extent that it is up to them. VI. Your love for Jesus, born out of an abiding intimacy with Him, is now your strongest inner resource for deciding to turn to God to be set free. Love must become the single motivating factor for obedience. Any other motive is religion, is death. The person who is healed has developed a deep and abiding love relationship with Him - one that compels him to holy pursuits. When temptation comes, the central reason for turning away is that the thought of hurting the Lord they love is too grievous to consider. During moments of intimacy with them, God has succeeded in writing His Law on their heart. In other words, the desire to be obedient, to be holy has become their natural desire, replacing the previously natural desire to rebel. Grace is what produces this fruit in our lives. Titus 2:11-14 tells us clearly that it is the grace of God that teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and to live upright and godly lives in this present age. In other words, it is in being forgiven again and again and again that we finally acquire the desire to be faithful to such a Lord as that. Therein lies the value in seeing how dark is our heart, how fallen is our nature. When God's grace continues in the face of that reality, our rebellious heart is conquered by such love and we become persuaded that He has nothing but good in mind for us. We go from obeying Him because we're suppose to, (not yet trusting Him fully), to obeying Him because we want to (trusting Him completely). And it is all the difference in the world to Him. VII. The mind, heart and perspective of Christ consistently guides you. Behavior associated with arrested emotional development has decreased considerably -e.g., magical thinking or fantasy thinking. Romance and reality have struck their happy balance. An understanding and appreciation of the complexity of life has blossomed. The self-centered, impulsive, impatient ego is regularly submitted to the Lordship of Christ. An intimate connection with God has grown to such an extent that you think His thoughts after Him, know what He's going to say before He says it, experience His heart for others, see things through His eyes and with an eternal perspective rather than a temporal one. VIII. Your experience in knowing satan's schemes enables you to resist him from an offensive posture rather than a defensive one. God has taught you how satan operates as well as strategies to overturn his attacks. Your will has been engaged to such an extent that you now fight from an offensive posture rather than a defensive one. Knowing ahead of time what he is likely to do, you have already prepared battle plans for each contingency. There are few surprises and even those are met with an aggressive relish for the opportunity to take ground for the kingdom of God rather than defending besieged territory. You know well the weapons of warfare and value each opportunity to strike another blow against the enemy of not only your soul, but the souls of all those who are perishing. You see temptation as the opportunity to grow in righteousness that it is for a child of God and take advantage of such opportunities to grow deeper in your love and commitment to Christ. IX. Your heterosexual identity is now the predominant one and the one you have irrevocably embraced. You use the occasional reappearance of the waning homosexual persona as a lever to send you back into greater dependence and refuge in God. In the ongoing struggle between the old man and the new creation in Christ, you recognize old thoughts and temptations as a defeated foe trying to come back to life, while also recognizing that the only thing that's going to give him life are your own poor choices. You understand the lie behind the old persona. You understand the destruction that it wrought not only in your life and the lives of those around you, but also in the suffering of Christ, and you are dead set against ever allowing him to resurrect himself ever again. You have taken great delight in the emergence of the once-dormant heterosexual identity, now blossoming from within. It is now the identity that you have recognized and embraced as your true self.. You marvel and praise God for each new facet that comes into view. You are irrevocably committed to feeding the new man and starving the old man to death. The alternative is never even considered anymore. X. When you fall into temporarily embracing the fantasies of the old nature, your return is quick and with deep and true repentance. In moments of discouragement, weakness or carelessness, if you realize that an old fantasy has been dwelling in your mind without being cast out, you use the opportunity of your imperfection to remember once again what Christ has done for you and return to Him with deep and true repentance. You use the opportunity of your failure to rejoice in the grace of God, to rejoice in your weakness and release anew God's mighty power to keep you pure. You keep short accounts -i.e., each failure, no matter how large or small, is quickly countered with true repentance. It is not allowed to continue and condemnation over the failing is not allowed to take hold. Instead, you run back into God's arms as quickly as possible with full assurance that He is waiting with open arms. XI. Your focus continues to shift from self to serving others. One major indication of growth and maturity is a shift from thinking of yourself first to thinking of others first; a shift from getting what's yours to giving what's yours; a change from selfishness to servanthood. In fact, one of the best things you can do during your healing process (and after) is to deliberately enter into selfless acts of service; to give things away to the point where you actually suffer from the loss; and to do so without public notice being taken when possible. Tithing is a helpful tool to get you started. Then add offerings to it. Give away most of the clothes in your closet, especially the items you really like. Sell your car and go out on a mission trip. Truly store up for yourself treasures in heaven, as the Bible suggests. Remember, though, that such acts must be Spirit-led to be of value. To do them only to receive the praise of men will not cause you to grow at all. XII. There is a growing larder of "eternal fruit" in your life. Following on from the previous point, a healed person has learned the difference between acts that produce eternal fruit and those that do not. They have learned to wait on the leading of the Holy Spirit. They have also learned that they must do so from a predetermined decision to do whatever God may say to them. They await His leading, His opening of doors and His empowering before moving ahead. On the other hand, they have also learned to catch themselves when selfishness or laziness has caused them to begin playing the old "I'll pretend I'm not hearing God when it's something I don't want to do" game. In short, to a significant extent, what they do for God is done for His glory alone, not for theirs - at least, that is the sincere desire of their heart. They no longer serve Him in an attempt to earn His love or acceptance, or as a way to pay Him back for saving them. Their love for Him is such that they can't help themselves from serving His every wish. The focus of their life, both physical and spiritual, is no longer on them, but on Him, and as a result, eternal fruit is produced. Eternal fruit is produced when we operate from God's direction, with God's empowerment, in God's timing, and giving all the glory to Him. XIII. Remnant behavior no longer misleads you into thinking something is wrong with you. The healing process in some ways is really a reversal of the process that created the dysfunctional thoughts, feelings and behavior. In the early stages of the development of homosexual neurosis, it is purely an emotional problem. There is a search for completion or damage control vis a vis one's gender identity. Unless the child's life has been prematurely sexualized through sexual abuse or exposure to pornography, the early stages are typified by feelings of needing to be near or accepted by certain same-gender people who symbolize or possess the completion that is lacking in the seeker. There is nothing sexual about it. Consequently, early behavior is more a turning of the head, a catching of the eye, a staring at certain people, a feeling of exhilaration when they brush by you or acknowledge you. Sometimes it's as weird as a need to be near something touched or used by the one being idolized - a piece of clothing, even sitting where they have just sat. Such moments bring a feeling of satisfaction as though in touching what they have touched, a part of their sufficiency has been transferred into you. This kind of behavior is often the first to appear and therefore is often the last to go. Many people are panicked at its reappearance after years of healing and fear it is a sign they haven't gotten anywhere. Actually, it is a sign they've traveled a great distance and as they move on, this too will pass, at least as a controlling force. Another example of remnant behavior often seen in homosexual neurosis is the "flashback" - which can occur when an old "trigger" appears during a moment of weakness. Those who have struggled with narcissistic personality disorder, for example, can have a momentary "flashback" to that state of being fixed on self. I recently witnessed an "ex-gay" lecturing who was getting such applause and laughter from his lecture, that he lost the focus of his message and began droning on and on about himself, rather than keeping the focus of his talk on Christ. The applause had triggered a brief flashback to this prior component of his former homosexual neurosis, from which he has actually recovered. It was a brief flashback. He is now again focused on his true self in Christ. XIV. A healed person has learned one thing so thoroughly that they operate in it without thinking: "Knowing why helps, but knowing Him heals." There is a certain fixed knowledge, and appropriate consistent practice in maintaining an intimate relationship with God. They know and practice His presence (intermittent wilderness periods and "dark nights of the soul" notwithstanding) and are completely dependent and reliant on Him for life and for godliness. (2 Pet 1:3-4) These then are the signposts, the earmarks to take note of as one moves toward that healing point known as "Christ formed in us". |
