How Do I Deal with My Same-Sex, Physical Attractions to Other Men?
Image via WikipediaThe physical attractions you feel for men are real and, obviously at times, quite strong. It’s good that you are troubled by them. Your discontent is a sign that you have not accepted an identity as a “gay” man. It’s a sign that your heart is open to moving in a godly direction.
Generally, it’s a mistake to suppress your same-sex attractions in terms of trying to pretend they don’t exist. Driving the attractions underground will make them grow stronger. God wants us to be honest about ourselves (Psalm 51:6). It’s better to admit their presence and then try to understand and confront them.
Although some would have you believe there is a substantial body of scientific research connecting same-sex attractions to a biological or genetic cause, there is no credible evidence to support such a claim. If biological and genetic factors do exist, they fall under the same category as a “predisposition” to other biblically unjustifiable or self-destructive tendencies (violence, adultery, or addiction).
We know from listening to countless stories that same-sex attractions are largely the result of an unmet hunger (perceived or real) for love, connection, and identification with the same sex, particularly with one’s father or father figure. This hunger often became linked with sexual attraction around puberty. In many cases, incidents of sexual abuse by an older male, or sexual experimentation with a same-sex peer, were part of a context that reinforced the link between sex and the hunger for male love and acceptance.
What you need to understand is that for men who grew up under these circumstances, the desire for love and acceptance wasn’t met outside of some sort of sexual interaction. These experiences can mislead young boys into thinking that the only way to get the male love and acceptance they’re starving for is through sex. And therein lies the confusion that has deceived and trapped so many. Understanding how the attractions developed can start to clear up the confusion.
You can start to understand how your same-sex attractions developed by acknowledging your strong desire for male acceptance. With the assistance of an insightful counselor, you can begin sort through the confusing messages of sexual abuse and/or peer sexual contact. Armed with that new understanding, you can start to confront the confusion and gradually replace it with what is true. And the truth is that the only way to satisfy your need for male bonding is to open yourself up to close, non-sexual relationships with men.
Of course, opening yourself up to men in legitimate relationships is something you do little by little, and it won’t be easy. In many ways, and perhaps without even knowing it, you’ve likely worked to keep men at a safe distance. You may have put up self-protective walls because you are afraid of men rejecting you.
Let’s be honest. The pain of rejection can cut so deep that many vow never to put themselves in that position again. But if you can begin to take the risk and start to let down your guard in your relationships with men, you can connect with them in legitimate ways. Many men have found the opportunity to open up in a Christian men’s group run through their church or through a Christian ministry such as Exodus International. As you start to interact with other men and allow them to interact with you in healthy, non-sexual ways, the homosexual attraction may not go away entirely, but it will begin to lose its hold on your life. Connecting with men in non-sexual ways dispels the lie that the way to satisfy your hunger for male love is through sexual interaction.
Although physical, same-sex desires may never go away completely, they can be reduced to the point where they no longer control you. Even though you find yourself sexually attracted at times to other men, you can come to a point where you will want to turn away from this attraction because you’ll know it’s based on a misunderstanding of sexuality.
