Devlopment Stages of Homosexuality
Anne Frank (Photo credit: Wikipedia)No one believes that the young, precocious Anne Frank was a homosexual. Her story only illustrates the kind of fleeting thoughts that often come with the awakening of new sexual desires during the teenage years. Later entries in her diary describe the love and need for intimacy she felt for a young male friend with whom she shared many of her deepest thoughts.
This raises the question: Why do some make the transition from same-sex to opposite-sex attraction while others become involved in homosexuality? Typically, people are drawn into homosexual behavior because of their responses to their childhood environment.
Yet when sexually broken people face the inner truth about their childhood woundedness—seeing how these hurts set them up to be drawn into homosexuality—they are much more open to receive emotional healing from the Lord and to receive His help to leave the lifestyle.
“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.” (Psalm 51:6)
STAGE ONE … DISPOSITION
Children enter this world with both a physical heritage and a spiritual heritage. Our physical characteristics come from the dominant genes of our parents. Likewise, our spiritual characteristics come from the dominant traits of our forefathers—whether godly or ungodly. Just as children have no control over their inherited physical characteristics, they also have no control over their inherited spiritual characteristics—however, they are greatly impacted by both.
We are all disposed to sin, some in one way and some in other ways, but this in no way means that a person’s disposition cannot be changed … entirely changed by God. He says “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” (Ezekiel 36:26–27)
A disposition is a prevailing tendency to act in a certain way under certain circumstances. Some children develop an involuntary disposition to sexual temptation because of …
• sinful sexual patterns or rituals of the parents (In general, the Bible shows the corrupt influence of Ahab and Jezebel on their son Ahaziah.)
“He did evil in the eyes of the LORD, because he walked in the ways of his father and mother.” (1 Kings 22:52)
• a lack of spiritual protection from the biological father, who is designated by God to be the spiritual protector of his family. The Bible says,
“How can anyone enter a strong man’s house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man? Then he can rob his house.” (Matthew 12:29)
• generational sins passed down from forefathers … children negatively impacted by family sins
“The LORD God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet he will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.” (Exodus 34:6–7 NASB)
RESULT:
While every child is born with a sin nature (Psalm 51:5), some children have a bent toward certain sins based on their family environment, as well as a weak spiritual heritage that leaves them vulnerable to sexual sin.
“Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.… They were bent on rebellion and they wasted away in their sin.” (Psalm 51:5; 106:43)
STAGE TWO … DEFICITS
An emotional deficit occurs when a child fails to receive the quantity and quality of love needed and therefore fails to develop a healthy self-image (the way we feel about ourselves). The fact that these feelings of emotional deprivation begin in early childhood explains why many homosexuals think they were “born this way.” Within the heart of every child is the undeniable longing and hope for two loving parents, but when that love is lacking, the child’s heart is sickened with “emotional malnutrition.”
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
(Proverbs 13:12)
Some children develop an involuntary state of confusion, fear and low self-worth due to …
• an environment where feelings are not allowed to be expressed
• indifference or lack of nurturing by a cold or absent same-sex parent (creating a deep hunger for love from someone of the same sex)
• a fear of or lack of confidence in the same-sex parent (leading these children to reject their gender, thus marring their self-image)
• early childhood trauma (such as sexual abuse, emotional abuse, death of a parent or divorce)
RESULT:
The child lacks the foundation to develop both a positive self-image and a correct sexual identity and thus begins to relate to others out of a deep sense of insecurity.
STAGE THREE … DETACHMENT
When children feel emotionally deprived of love, they become emotionally detached from those who fail to provide that love. This emotional detachment robs them of forming a positive self-image and a healthy gender identity. While these children become aware of their sexual identity based on their physical anatomy, because of a myriad of wounded emotions and unmet needs, they can fail to fully embrace their God-given sexuality and instead develop a hunger for same-sex love. Thus the real or perceived rejection by mother or father leaves the child feeling emotionally forsaken. This child needs to know …
“Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.”
(Psalm 27:10)
The detached child experiences an involuntary isolation from emotions as a result of …
• failure to bond with the same-sex parent
• failure to identify with the same-sex parent
• harboring anger and resentment toward the opposite-sex parent
• shutting down emotionally and blocking the ability to give and receive intimacy
RESULT:
Because of unmet emotional needs, around the time of puberty these children become emotionally focused on their same sex and mistake their emotional need for sexual desire.
STAGE FOUR … DECEPTION
Buried anger within wounded children distorts their reality, creating misleading thoughts about God and blocking their acceptance of spiritual truth. Living with these lies allows Satan to take their impressionable young minds to become captive to do his will. Since these young people are unwittingly deceived, they need a wise, trusted adult to come alongside to gently instruct them …
“… in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.” (2 Timothy 2:25–26)
The young person involuntarily gives ground to the enemy due to …
• overpowering and distorted thought patterns dominated by their wounded emotions
• a darkened mind unable to relate to the truths of Scripture
• stored grievances against God and others
• illegitimate ways of getting emotional needs met through same-sex relationships
RESULT:
These young people develop into deceived adults who assume they are powerless to overcome their same-sex preferences.
STAGE FIVE … DECISION
Based on their emotional pain and their subsequent involuntary responses to that pain, these deceived young people begin making voluntary same-sex choices in an attempt to numb their pain and meet their needs. However, many homosexuals feel they have not made a choice, since the decision to enter “the lifestyle” is a result of numerous unconscious factors. But they are making a choice.
In reality, they are believing a lie that their needs for love, for significance and for security can be met only in a sexual relationship with a person of the same gender. Nevertheless, the Lord says,
“Repent! Turn away from all your offenses; then sin will not be your downfall. Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit. Why will you die?” (Ezekiel 18:30–31)
These deceived young people voluntarily choose homosexual relationships due to …
• a perceived inability to have sexual feelings toward someone of the opposite gender … no matter what God or anyone else says
• a perceived, desperate need to feel loved in a sexual way by someone of the same gender … no matter what God or anyone else says
• a perceived, desperate need to feel significant to someone of the same gender … no matter what God or anyone else says
• a perceived, desperate need to feel emotionally secure with someone of the same gender … no matter what God or anyone else says
RESULT:
These emotionally crippled young people grow into adulthood attempting to fulfill their legitimate needs for love, for significance and for security through sexual intimacy with someone of the same sex. In these relationships their emotional pain is temporarily soothed with pleasure, and their identity confusion is temporarily relieved with confirmation … from those just like them. Many abandon themselves to the lie that their identity is “homosexual,” and they lose hope of ever feeling differently. They view God as either unable to free them from a homosexual fate or unwilling to give them a new heart and a new life. Yet the Lord Himself says,
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” (Ezekiel 36:26–27)
B. What Factors Lead to Homosexuality in Men?
Men do not turn sexually to other men “for no reason.” There are a variety of factors that draw men to seek solace in homosexual relationships. The following three causes most often form the basis for gay relationships among men.
#1 Failure to identify with his weak or absent father while seeing women as undesirable
• Viewing his father as weak and powerless and his mother as overpowering
• Condemning his father for allowing his mother to rule the family
• Recoiling from women because of his domineering, controlling mother
• Fantasizing about sex with his mother to get back at his weak father
• Despising being taken as a surrogate “husband” by his lonely mother
• Retreating from women due to an emotionally detached, absent or alcoholic mother
RESULT:
He unconsciously concludes, Women are not trustworthy or safe. If relationships with women are like this, I’m going to look to only men for love. Because of the emotional void in his life, he is drawn to strong men; thus, he rejects heterosexuality and plunges into homosexuality. This verse in Proverbs could easily apply to these gay sons because they feel emotionally wounded:
“There are those who curse their fathers and do not bless their mothers.”
(Proverbs 30:11)
#2 Failure to bond with his non-affirming father
• Feeling he can never measure up to his father’s standards of manliness
• Knowing that his artistic, feminine traits are a disappointment to his athletic father
• Envying his athletic brothers, whose maleness is affirmed, while his own maleness is denied
• Resenting being given money or gifts instead of love and affirmation
• Perceiving himself as a failure as a male both at home and among peers
• Leaning on the acceptance of his nurturing mother and sisters because he is rejected by the males in his life
RESULT:
He unconsciously concludes, If this is what my home is like, I’m going to look for a new home. Thus, he longs for a male father figure who will affirm him and give him a sense of significance. The Bible cautions fathers to be careful about their attitudes and actions toward their children:
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
(Ephesians 6:4)
#3 Failure to emotionally attach to a positive, healthy male because of mistreatment or abuse by a significant male
• Resenting his father, whom he views as harsh and rejecting
• Rejecting his father for having an affair and abandoning the family
• Rebelling against a hypocritical father who espouses religious beliefs but fails to live up to them
• Reacting with sexual identity confusion because of sexual abuse by another male before the age of twelve
• Refusing to have a relationship with his abusive, alcoholic father
• Retreating from his own maleness because of hurt and rejection by males in early years
RESULT:
He unconsciously concludes, If this is what being a man is like, I’d rather be like a woman. Thus he despises his own male gender and seeks to find security within the female gender. The Bible says—and this especially applies to a father—
“A man is praised according to his wisdom, but men with warped minds are despised.”
(Proverbs 12:8)
C. What Factors Lead Females into Lesbianism?
Although a variety of factors surround girls who pursue homosexual relationships, there are three basic reasons why they seek solace in same-sex relationships. The following list identifies three causes that most often form the basis for these relationships.
#1 Failure to identify with her weak mother
• Viewing her mother as weak and powerless; living with a victim mentality
• Condemning her mother and becoming competitive with her
• Excelling in athletics and becoming a tomboy, thus hindering the development of her femininity
• Competing with brothers, trying to be more masculine in order to be better accepted
• Rejecting her mother, thus parenting herself, creating a craving for a mother figure
• Fearing men because of her adulterous parent(s), thus leaving her with no acceptable role models
• Assuming the role of an emotional mate to her mother after the loss of her father as a result of death, divorce, infidelity, imprisonment, work separation (such as the military)
RESULT:
She unconsciously concludes, If this is what being a woman is like, I’m going to be like a man, and thus she rejects the female gender and identifies with the male gender.
Because of heartache, she looks for love within a lesbian relationship. The Bible says,
“Heartache crushes the spirit.”
(Proverbs 15:13)
#2 Failure to bond with her non-nurturing mother
• Viewing her mother as harsh and overly critical, feeling she can never please her mother
• Seeing her mother as non-nurturing, feeling she can never be accepted
• Knowing she is a disappointment to her parents because they wanted a son
• Blaming her mother for breaking up the family
• Despising her overachieving mother in contrast to her weak, passive father
• Resenting being treated as though what she thinks, says and does doesn’t matter
• Perceiving herself as an “invisible” child, deprived of being mothered
RESULT:
She unconsciously concludes, If this is what the home is like, I’m going to look for a new home. She detaches her mind from her emotions and slips into a fantasy world where she searches for security from a nurturing surrogate mother. Then she attaches herself to a mother figure who sexualizes their relationship.
The mother who fails to nurture her children is not only unwise, but is also emotionally destructive.
“The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”
(Proverbs 14:1)
#3 Failure to be drawn to males because of her abusive father or mistreatment from other males
• Refusing to trust men as a result of an emotionally detached, absent or alcoholic father
• Recoiling from men as a result of sexual or physical abuse by a male
• Retreating from men as a result of hurt and rejection by males, in early years
• Resenting male children who are favored by family members
• Reacting to men in leadership, feeling she is just as capable as they are or more so
• Rebelling against a hypocritical father who espouses religious beliefs but fails to live up to them
• Rejecting her father for his denigration of women
RESULT:
She unconsciously concludes, Men are not trustworthy or safe. If this is what having a relationship with men is like, I want relationships only with women. She rejects heterosexuality and plunges into homosexuality.
A nurturing father is vital in helping establish a daughter’s feminine identity. If male nurturing is lacking, a daughter can become embittered and lack the courage to trust males. The Bible gives this warning to fathers:
“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
(Colossians 3:21)
D. Cycle of Defeat
Emotional woundedness is the powerful engine propelling the cycle of defeat for “David,” who is trying to leave the gay lifestyle. Even if he becomes convicted by God of his immorality, simply wanting to change will not make it happen. His problem is that, during the stage of detachment in childhood, the connection was cut between his mind and his emotions. Although he acknowledges that homosexual activity is wrong, his thinking doesn’t influence his feelings. Unconsciously, his disconnected emotions desperately demand a balm for his woundedness, thus his emotions continue to rule his decision making. Once he seeks comfort for these wounded emotions through homosexual activity, the cycle begins, and guilt sets in. A sense of shame that brings on inevitable pain quickly follows. Obviously, since he doesn’t want to live in pain, he again seeks comfort in a same-sex relationship that continues to perpetuate the cycle.
